OMYGAWD I'VE BEEN TAGGED!

I've been tagged! I'm one of THREE ITS!

Oh, my goodness! This is exciting! It's like high school gym class - I'm excited that I've been picked, and I like who's on my team. And, I'm not first pick, but definitely not last. But I can't tell if I've been chosen because in some sort of way someone kind of likes me, or if it's a default setting, as in, "I'd rather have the pizzaface than the nose-picker".

Here's how the game works. Below are a series of statements. I choose five and complete them, then "tag" three more people to do the same.
The statements are:
If I could be a scientist
If I could be a farmer
If I could be a psychologist
If I could be a librarian
If I could be an inn-keeper
If I could be a professor
If I could be a writer
If I could be a llama-rider
If I could be a bonnie pirate
If I could be an astronaut
If I could be a world famous blogger
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world
If I could be married to any current famous political figure

Here are my answers - for the record, no one told me to keep it brief!:

CUE CHARIOTS OF FIRE THEME:

If I could be a librarian: I'd be the librarian of your dreams - or nightmares.

First, I'd have THE BEST librarian outfit EVER. I'd wear a fitted suit that was severe, yet sultry (made of space-age breathable, stain-proof, stretch fabric that was indiscernible from a fine wool crepe), proper hose with seams and garters, and ankle-strap stiletto heeled shoes. I already wear harsh black glasses sometimes - but I'd wear false eyelashes behind them, and MAC Dubonnet lipstick. Think notsomuch of Miss Sakamoto from the Thomas Dolby "She Blinded Me With Science" video - think Lauren Bacall in the Big Sleep - BUT A LIBRARIAN!

But...in a Twilight Zone kind of twist, I'd appear as a different image to each person in my library, and as it would be in tune with their private librarian needs - perhaps a kindly elderly lady with recipe book suggestions for a tired mom, a sparkly pony helping to choose books for an eight year old girl, Fabio helping to choose romance novels etc. (Um, make that Fabio helping to choose recipes!)

And, I'd be the librarian on a cruise ship - but it would be like the cruise ship across the river Lethe. Ah, blessed forgetfulness.

And then, what would happen, is that you could choose your own books all right - but you'd have to take my suggested books (or sarcastic comments and raised eyebrow) along with them.

Fourteen year old girl choosing science books? Put those away. You get Forever - and don't forget to to tell me what happens when your mom finds out you're reading that.(By the way, DO click on that link. I wish my mom had read what Judy Blume has to say about that book.) And here's a little something for Mom.

Pregnant? Try this. (If I don't recommend that one, I'll never win another prize.)

Sexist Pig? Here. And wear this thong.

Got a Toddler? Here. (And would you like your bourbon straight up or with a splash of branch water, dear?)


As a service, I would read to you, but in the tone and manner of my choosing. For example, as often happens around here, We're going on a Bear Hunt is often read in the voice of that fat stupid dog from the Bugs Bunny cartoon (try NOT to read it that way now). Or I'll read things in a smarmy, smirky, sarcastic voice that makes no sense in relation to the articles (like, for recipes - "Oh, a pinch of salt. Really. Hmmm.". Perhaps I'll read children's books in a voice dripping with sexual innuendo - or in a snide, sniggering, confidential manner, like "If we can't pull you out, Pooh, we might push you back".

You'd also get my opinion, whether I've read the book or not. As in "I hate the cover illustration, so I won't read that." "It doesn't fit on my nightstand, so that one's out of contention." "That's a good one, and by the way, Christopher Robin does outgrow Winnie the Pooh you know. Hey! Why are you crying? Stupid six year old crybaby."

All of the books would either be bound in fine, supple bendable leathery-type environmentally friendly material or would have the original paperback covers as I remember them from my youth. The pages shall smell and feel good and they are chocolate smear-proof. Here's my million dollar idea - the pages are made of a flexible paper-type material, and each corner is perforated in a non-tearing way, so that you can dog-ear it without permanently damaging the book - like a hinge kind of...and flip it back up and move on. The illustrations are invisible unless you choose to see them, so that your perception of the characters isn't tainted. You can turn on some audio, like closed-captioning, if you want sound effects. The books have a pop up dictionary too, and an encyclopedia option too.

And in my library, you'd get your beverage of choice, a comfy chair, a foot rub and your reading lamp at just the right brightness and angle. And best of all, you'll be so happy and comfortable, you'll fall asleep and have a nap and then you won't wreck my books or bother me. Being your fantasy librarian is hard work, you know. Now go watch some TV.

By the way - this is how I did all of my tests when I was in school. I'd begin with a tremendous burst of initiative, plot an elaborate response, plow into it, tire of it quickly yet still make an effort to complete it, wrap it up like a sixty nine cent taco and then move on - to the second question with ten minutes left in the period.

If I could be a llama-rider I'd be up there yelling "LOOK OUT! THEY SPIT AND IT'S REALLY GROSS!".

If I could be a bonnie pirate I'd be the filling in THIS sandwich, or THIS sandwich, but not THIS one. And I might, just might, be the Bonnie Pirate Librarian! (If someone hadn't beaten me to it! AAARGH!)

If I could be a professor, I'd be the filling in THIS sandwich. (oh, I thought you said THE Professor.)
(hmmm...Ginger looks kind of like a Librarian...)

If I could be a psychologist I'd look into my librarian fixation. Which I didn't know I had until now.

Thanks, Dani. This was fun. Well, it was for me. You should know better.

*drumming fingers and thinking*

I tag: Ann D.(gasp! the boldness of me!) (before anyone else does and because she isn't very busy these days and needs an excuse to use her shiny new laptop anyway hahahahaevilsnickershahahaha),
Andrea(because I'd like to see whether she takes a traditional approach to this or takes off and runs with it),
and SilverCreek Mom (because I think she'd like to be tagged).

*HANDING THE MOUSE OVER AND SPANKING YOU ON THE BUM AS YOU TAKE OFF*